5 minutes can change a life

Okay so let's face it and get it out in the open.  I am not a consistent blogger.  I admit it.  I have so many thoughts throughout the day and think I need to blog about this and then I get busy and forget. So according to my blogs it has been over 2 years.  Let's just say A LOT has happened in the last two years.  Also, I am not going to say that I am making this a priority and going to be better and making a promise to you as a reader because let's face it, it probably won't happen.  I would rather be inconsistent than a  liar so what I can tell you is I will try and post something again in the next year and not make you wait 2 more.

Something happened to me today that I had to blog about.  I started to update my facebook status about it but I realized 1. it would be too long and 2. I wanted to be able to come back and read it again as a reminder to myself.  So while I hope you and many others I don't know read this because of the nature of it, I am basically being selfish with this because I don't want to forget how I felt the next time around.

Also, let me preface this by saying that I just had a procedure done so if I have run on sentences or incorrect words, don't get all judgy on me.  :)

Ok....back to my story.......To understand what happened today we have to go back.  In January of 2009 my dad began experiencing pain and blood in his stools.  Now as a strong and very private man he didn't want to tell anyone about it or see a doctor.  He pushed it off as hemorrhoids and finally told my mom who then of course told me.  She told me in hopes that I could convince him to have a check up.  My dad was only 49 at the time and had never had a colonoscopy because they tell you to go at age 50.  A colonoscopy is not one of those things that you anticipate and get excited about and neither is age 50.  This isn't like the feeling you get when you know you will be 16 soon and FINALLY get your driver's license.

Finally after much talking and convincing, he went to the doctor.  The news we got was not what we were expecting or hoping for.  My dad has stage 3 colon cancer and a tumor the size of a grapefruit in his colon.  The doctors suspected he had had it for 3 years undetected.  One of the main indicators of colon cancer is fatigue.  My dad was very fatigued but he worked 60-70 hours a week so that was not uncommon for him.  Colon cancer is tricky because usually by the time you have outward symptoms it is almost too late.

After many rounds of chemo and radiation, he underwent an extensive 8 hour surgery to remove the tumor.  The doctor did an amazing job removing the tumor and buying us more time with my dad.  He went on to receive more chemo, tests, and surgery.  One of the tests he had done was a genetic test to see if he had carried the gene for colon cancer.  The test came back positive.

I remember being a little girl in our farmhouse in Texas and hearing the news of my grandpa Elam Hinckley (who we named our son after) had passed away from cancer.  I was only about 8 years old but I remember clear as day sitting on the toilet lid in the bathroom and bawling my eyes out.  I remember hearing my mom and dad talk about it and my dad crying.  (I think that was the first time I ever saw him cry and it wasn't a common thing throughout his life)  I knew he had died of cancer but I had always thought it was lung cancer.  We never realized that it had originated in his colon and spread to his lungs.  We also never knew that my great grandmother (Elam's mom) had also passed of colon cancer.

Why am I giving you family medical history??????  Because I need you to understand how important it is.  Had we known this info, my dad would have been checked at 40 instead of 49 when he had a problem.  He would have been checked again every few years which would have caught this UGLY ugly disease in time.  HAD WE KNOWN our family medical history, I may still have my dad today.

1. PLEASE KNOW YOUR MEDICAL HISTORY!  Ask your parents, aunts, uncles, etc.  All those annoying questions you have to fill out EVERY time you go to the doctor are there for a reason! Know if you have a history of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, etc.  Be honest on the application.  Why? Because early detection gives you the greatest chance.

2. PLEASE GET CHECKED REGULARLY.  Health screenings, blood work, women's exams, mammograms, colonoscopies, etc.  Please Please don't be stubborn.  Your stubbornness can literally take years off your life and away from your family.

3. PLEASE CONSIDER LIFE INSURANCE AND AFLAC CANCER INSURANCE.  When getting life insurance please make sure you understand what you are getting.  My dad had been paying on a policy for years (like almost 20) but we we didn't know until it was too late was that his policy would cover nothing.  He had purchased an accidental death policy when I was young thinking it was life insurance.  The aflac cancer policy is always one that I thought was for older people or we didn't need.  After going through cancer with my dad I had wished that he had purchased one.  The reason why I struggled with this one so much is because I am a firm believer and know that it was never God' intention for my dad to get cancer or die from it.  I also know that I am healed through the blood of Jesus and don't have to live in fear so why have a cancer policy? I will tell you why.  The cancer policy does not say you don't have faith or believe in God.  It is a protection for your family.  It is a safe guard so that if something were to attack you, your family could have comfort knowing that you will still get paid if you have to miss work, they can take off some time and spend with you if need be for treatments or surgeries, etc.  It is for your family so please think about it.  I have a great agent who also happens to be my father in law if you need someone.

Okay so back to my story.....the test came back positive on my dad having a genetic disease.  His doctors then wanted me tested immediately and to schedule a colonoscopy.  At the time I was in such a fog of watching my dad lose his battle that I couldn't focus on me or even think about doing that and having to emotionally deal with what they might tell me.

On Sept 26, 2010 cancer had claimed another heir to the Hinckley name and I was devastated again.  I remembered being that little girl sitting in the bathroom on the toilet bawling my eyes out.  Only this time it hurt MUCH worse and sometimes I still find myself 3 years later in the bathroom on the toilet seat crying my eyes out.  I had lost my hero.  I had watched him FIGHT up until his last breath.  I had watched him weaken in body right before my eyes and it crushed me.  I still have flashbacks to that last month of his life but that is a whole other blog. I have experienced great pain in losing my dad and I refuse to allow my kids to know that pain again.

So fast forward 3 years later......I was finally ready.  Mentally and emotionally I could face the thought of following the doctors orders and getting a colonoscopy.  So today was that day........

First of all there is so much they don't tell you and I won't be graphic but I am going to be honest.  I couldn't eat for over 36 hours.  I was HUNGRY!  Then they make you drink this stuff mixed in gatorade and although you can't taste it, you can feel it working.  Then they also don't tell you that you have to get up in the middle of the night to finish your amazing drink.  I had to be up at 4 am and didn't get much sleep after because again I found myself on a toilet but for a different reason.  Also, because you are so dehydrated and hungry, you get this terrible headache that won't go away until the put your iv in.

Okay so I didn't realize how nervous and anxious I would be for this procedure.  It's a routine procedure and was merely precautionary but was more emotional than I realized.  I laid there thinking I wonder what my dad was thinking when they were prepping him.  I wonder if he was afraid of what they might find.

Today I had my mom with me but as they wheel you back you are all alone with the nurse.  I heard doctors conversations as I was being wheeled down the hall and into my room and thinking although I know I will come out of this how many times are people wheeled back and the last words they hear are what the doctors were saying in the hallway.  I wondered if they understood how very important their normal conversations could be.  (I am a deep thinker and watch too much grey's anatomy. can you tell?)

So I get to the room and there was an older gentlemen in there and he introduced himself as my anesthesiologist.  Here is how our conversation went.

Dr. - "Hello Amanda I am your anesthesiologist." (shook hands)
Me - "It's so nice to meet you."
Dr. - "Wow. I don't get that very often.  Thank you it's nice to meet you too. So I see you are here to               have a colonoscopy.  Do you have family history?"
Me - "Yes, my dad passed away about 3 years ago."
Dr. - "I have the same issue and have had about 4.  This is nothing to be afraid of.  Do you have kids?"
Me - "Yes two."
Dr. - "Then you are here for the right reason.  I have 3 kids and a wife and I would rather spend a few hours every few years doing this procedure than not being with them. You are doing the right thing."
Me - "thank you."
Dr. - "Okay I am going to start giving you medicine that will make you fall asleep.  Let me know when you start to feel different."
Me - "I am starting to feel it."
Dr. - "Would you like me to hold your hand since this is your first time?"
Me - "yes please"

The next thing I remember I was in recovery and the procedure was over.  I could barely open my eyes or get words out but I asked my mom "Please find out what my anesthesiologist's name was"

In that ONE conversation and by that one act of kindness, he held my hand, calmed my fears and made an impact on my life.  When I was starting to feel better he walked by to check on me and I asked him.

"Can you please tell me your name? I can't remember and you were so good to me."

"Thank you My name is Tim.  Tim Flynn."

Now I will never forget it!  This small, and what some may call insignificant, conversation reminded me of a few things:

1. WHATEVER GOD HAS CALLED YOU TO DO, DO IT WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND BE A LIGHT WHEREVER YOU ARE.  This man does not know the impact he had on me and I am sure I am not the only one.  He felt at some point in his life that he was called to anesthesiology and he has used his calling to be a light to his patient's.  That is ministry.  You don't have to be a pastor to minister to others.  You just have to be obedient and faithful in what God has called you to do.

2. EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY MATTERS.  Dr. Flynn's words, gentle spirit, and holding my hand in my time of need mattered.  He could have spoke anything over me and I would have had to listen to it because I was laying there.  He chose in that moment to speak life.  He chose to comfort and reassure me.  In 5 minutes, he was able to change my perspective.

My test results came back clean.  I am healthy and have a beautiful colon (in case you were wondering) and I do not have to go back for 5 years.  Today I faced a fear and I did it for my family.  I challenge you with this.  Whatever you do, wherever you go, and whatever you say remember Dr. Tim Flynn.  Remember that every work you speak and gentle touch you give matters.  Do what you have been called to do with greatness! You are here for a reason!

Recognize and Walk

Today I am feeling so overwhelmingly blessed I have to write about it so I don't forget. It's the little things in life that we need to recognize as blessings but so often we are distracted by life's storms or busy that we don't see them.

I have the honor of teaching a pre school-kinder class at our church. Really I say I teach but often times the kids teach me. There is a reason why God's word says we should have faith like a child. Children do not put limits on God. If God's word says it, then they believe it and it's as simple as that. They aren't so jaded by life's disappointments and hurt that they have even the idea that someone could possibly not follow through. They trust God and His Word beyond a shadow of a doubt.

We have been learning all about Super Friends the last few weeks. Super friends help each other, love everyone, stick together, and watch what they say. We talk about how our words are powerful and we have the ability to build someone up or tear someone down.

Today at lunch Nate's dad made a comment to him jokingly and Elam told him, "You just teared my dad down. Super friends watch what they say." After he complimented Nathan, Elam said, " that was good. you just built him up. " I just thought okay he is getting it. What a simple lesson my 5 year old child is getting which sometimes as an adult I can easily forget. We need to build each other up. It all goes back to the old saying your mom taught you, "If you don't have something nice to say, DON'T SAY IT!!!" Also, another thing I have learned (and am still working on) is before you say ANYTHING ask yourself: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Sometimes what you are going to say isn't really mean but it just doesn't need to be said. In that case just don't say it. People spend too much time talking and not enough time listening. We should have a limit like on twitter 140 words or less. lol.

After lunch and spending time with our amazing family we ran home to get Eden down for a nap. Then I had the privilege or helping my two boys (hubby and son) pack for their first ever father/son camping trip. This isn't like a boys scouts one or something where a bunch of people go. This was just my husband and just my son spending time together out in the wilderness (as Elam says). I have never seen a more excited 5 year old little boy or daddy for that matter. My husband was pulling away and saying I have dreamed of this my whole life.

I have had many phone calls throughout the night to tell me of every exciting first they have had. I have heard the glee in my son and husband as they described their first campfire, roasting hot dogs that were bigger than the bun, roasting marshmallows and making smores, going on walks under the full moon that is lighting up the camp site, talking to fishermen, tending to the fire, playing yard games and Elam winning, having a pillow fight, Elam drinking his first grape soda, and telling stories before bed in the tent. I had the honor of praying with them over the phone before bed and reminding Elam that everything he sees around him that he thinks is so beautiful was all created by God's word. He spoke everything into existence and that is why it is so important that super friends watch what they say. He said, "I know mom. Our words are very powerful." He said he looked at the stars and say a cross in the stars and knows that Jesus is there and watching over them.

Then I had the joy of hanging out with my mom and sweet 2 year old baby girl Eden. She ran from me at bed time yelling and giggling, "Mom, will never get me." As I caught her she laughed and laughed and said, "Mommy, you so funny." Then she had us tuck her in and sing MANY songs to her. After our prayers and one last kiss and hug, I went to finish folding the laundry. As I am folding laundry, I hear her singing to herself in her crib, "Jesus u my super herwo. You my staw. My bes fwen." That is when it hit me....I am blessed exceedingly, abundantly, above all I am able to ask or think.

This time last year I didn't know how I would go from day to day watching my kids grow up without their Poppy. Today I realize that even through a tragic loss I can still be blessed. God has good things for me. I will see my dad again someday and so will my kids but until then I will walk in God's blessings and recognize his blessings. You can't walk in his blessings if you don't recognize his blessings because you will never realize you are walking in them. So today I recognize that I am BLESSED! I walk in it and will continue to slow down and see the little things!

Love like no other

These are just a few things I am learning about God's love recently that I thought I would share. Hopefully it will help someone else too.

God's love is not an obligated love. It is not bound by a contract. God is a gentleman. He never forces his love on you. He loves you regardless of whether you love him or not. He chose you whether you choose him or not. His love is unconditional, full of forgiveness and grace. His love is selfless. His love is kind, compassionate, and thoughtful. He is passionate about you. He longs to bring you joy and keep your love tank overflowing. He takes pride in you. He LONGS for time with you. He wants to shower you in blessings and does not do things for you so that he can hold them over you and bring them up when it will benefit him. He is the ultimate listener, always concerned with your thoughts and feelings. His love is always consistent, never confusing, and he doesn't send mixed signals. His love never fails and never changes!

He doesn't love you because you deserve it and there is NOTHING you can do to deserve it. he will chase after you no matter how much you run, continually showing His love to you. His love is victorious! His love is powerful! His love is more than enough! His love is everything we need and everything we seek. His love should be everything we crave and look to when we feel empty. His love wins!

A birthday I will NEVER forget!

Okay so as my 30th bday is fast approaching (eek) I can not help but think about the one bday I will never forget.

I always thought maybe it would be my sweet 16, my 18th, my 21st (even though I don't drink, I just thought that one would be magical) or my 25th. While all of those were great....it was actually my 29th bday that I will never ever forget!

Last year was the last of my birthdays that I got to celebrate with my dad. That in and of itself makes it more special to me but it was something that my dad did that will forever be in my memory every year that I celebrate for the rest of my life.

Being from Texas and growing up on mexican food it only made sense that when my parents asked where I wanted to go for my birthday lunch, I picked Mi Ranchito :) My dad liked going to the old Mi Ranchito off of old 56 highway so I took the kids and we met my parents there for lunch.

My dad is a very giving person and always wanted to do whatever he could to show our armed forces that he appreciated their work (being ex navy and all.) Whenever he would go to a restaurant he always saw it as an opportunity to give back. He would look around and if he saw an elderly couple on a date or a service man for example, he would ask the waitress to bring him their ticket and he would anonymously pay for their meal and then instruct the waitress to tell them that God loves them and wanted to bless them today. Many times he wouldn't even stick around to see their reaction, he simply just wanted to be a blessing.

On this particular day we were celebrating my bday but once again my dad went in with his eyes open to someone in need and his ears open to hear God's voice. As we are sitting and enjoying the amazing food, an army soldier comes in and sits in the booth next to us by himself. My dad called the waitress over and said, "Can you bring me his ticket?" The waitress looked very confused, as I am sure that this is not a common request these days and said "sure." A few minutes later while continuing to enjoy our meal, another serviceman came in to join the one in the booth next to us. Mom and I looked at dad and he called the waitress over and said, "Go ahead and bring me his ticket too." The waitress again said sure and brought him the ticket after they placed their order. Pretty soon a couple more soldiers came in and sat at a different table. Mom and I kind of laughed and said, "Well are you going to get theirs too?" I looked at dad and said, "You better eat fast, what are you going to do if 10 more people come in" We kind of laughed and just kept eating.

Pretty soon 2 more people came in and joined the two next to us and 4 more came in and joined the others. When all was said and done their were 10 soldiers eating at 2 separate tables in the restaurant. Mom and I just laughed and looked at dad and said, "Well what are you going to do?" Dad called the waitress over and said "Mam, bring me their ticket and the ticket for that large table over there."

My cheap mexican food bday lunch ended up costing my dad over $100. We all laughed and said ok we better go before more people show up but dad was so happy to do it. He told the waitress to tell them that God wanted to bless them and thank you for your service. Then in true Roy Hinckley fashion, he got up and we left before he ever saw their reaction. He was so giving and caring, always looking for a way to bless someone and give back.

I never imagined celebrating my 30th bday without my dad and hero but I am so thankful for a 29th birthday that I will NEVER ever forget. It was one that will challenge me for the rest of my life!

Are you ears and eyes open to be a blessing to someone else? Are you a blessing to someone else just to get the immediate gratification of their reaction? Are you making every day a day that someone else will never forget?

Becoming Uncomfortable

January means a lot of different things for different people. Along with the new year come new year's resolutions. People often say they want to get in better shape, go on a diet, etc. The diet and exercise business is booming and gym memberships are always up in January. Every year some of the same people say I want to get healthier because they failed to do it the year before.

Many people go on a 21 day fast, sometimes corporately and sometimes just personally. Some fast certain foods or food all together. Some fast technology, such as TV, Facebook, Twitter, Video games, etc. Their focus is to take the time they would normally use doing these things and focus on God, to spend more time with Him without the distractions. Sacrificing their "comfort" foods for the things God naturally gave to us and remember who our creator is.

Now....I am a big fan of the biggest loser tv show and also worked for a chiropractor for a while who also specializes in nutrition. For those of you that know me, you know that I have never been a healthy eater. Growing up, the only vegetables I would eat were green beans, peas, and potatoes. The only fruit was bananas. Now not much has changed on the veggie side but I do eat almost all fruits now. I have expanded my pallet in other foods too and every time I go back home my family says, "wow you are such a good eater now" lol. I feel like I am 4 but it's still exciting because I know how far I've come.

One thing I have heard over and over from people starting diets, tv, doctors, etc. is Being healthy is not a "diet", it is a lifestyle change. Or how about this line, "you have to eat to live not live to eat" "you have to FEED your body so that it can run properly". While I have heard these countless times and they are all very true it has really been hitting home lately and taking on a different meaning.

I have been around so many people lately that are either fasting or dieting that I started to feel guilty eating the things they were giving up in front of them. The unhealthy things. They are making themselves better and I am continuing to enjoy the comforts. While enjoying these comforts, I have become uncomfortable by being around them, not because of anything they have done or said but simply by the choice they have made to live differently.

Throughout this month, with all of the fasting, diet and exercise talk, and people around me doing these things, here is where I have been challenged and what I have learned:

1. Getting healthy is not about a "diet" It is a LIFESTYLE change a lot like becoming a Christian is. Many people become "christians" and make a decision to follow Christ however, they do not want to give up their "comfort foods" so to speak. They want to hang out with the same people, party like they always have, not take time to read the Bible, etc. They don't become healthier, they are just comfortable and usually unhappy. Instead of looking in at themselves, they look out at Christ and say this isn't for me. I still have the same problems I had before and so this "christian" thing must not be real. They are yo-yo Christians. When times get tough they run to God or run away from him. When things are going great, its often not because God has blessed them but because of something they did. They fail to find Him in the success and thank Him for it. They are up and down like a yo yo dieter. They have failed to understand the key to success is that this is a LIFESTYLE change.

2. Now Fasting: Fasting is so important and really helps you focus on God but here is the problem I have with fasting. Shouldn't we be doing that everyday??? Many people do a 21 day fast at the beginning of the year to help them focus for the year and get all their ducks in a row. While I believe this is amazing, what about the other 344 days out of the year? Everyday we should be finding a way to set aside distractions to spend time with our creator. This is a LIFESTYLE change.

3. "You have to feed your body so it can run properly" applies in your spiritual life too. You have to feed your spirit with God's word so you can run properly the race set before you. God has a plan and purpose for each of our lives and if your spirit is anorexic you won't be able to properly accomplish all that God has for you. You will live below your destiny.

4. The reason I was becoming uncomfortable around those choosing to better themselves is because I wasn't choosing to better myself. That uncomfortableness has challenged me and made me want to be better. Those people did not have to say a word to me about what I was choosing. They never made me feel bad, they never condemned me, they didn't force their healthy habits down my throat but yet being around them and seeing them walk it out and the choices they were making made me want to be better. Isn't that how we as "christians" should be influencing others? We shouldn't have to say things to people all the time, force "God's Love" on them, condemn them, or judge them. They should just see us walk it out and the choices we are making are different than theirs and want to be better from just being around us. They should see the difference in our lives. They should see his Love through us without having to say a word. We should exude His Love everywhere we go, in our words, but more importantly in our actions.

Today I am on a journey to become more healthy in body and spirit. Today I will begin my LIFESTYLE change. I may not eat all my veggies right away but I will get there eventually. I will make changes everyday to better my lifestyle and exude love. I will make myself uncomfortable so that I can hopefully make others uncomfortable.

Accountability for your response

Here is my #3 thing I learned last year from my list I posted previously.

In dealing with offense.....One day we will all stand before God on the day of judgement and at that time, you will be judged on what YOU did. It will not matter what someone did to you and your reasons for your reaction. There will not be a time where you get to give an excuse or justify your actions. YOU WILL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR RESPONSE!

One day, my husband did something that offended me. I really don't remember what it was to be honest but I do remember complaining to God and being upset. Very strongly in my spirit, I felt he was saying, "how will you respond" He knows what happened to me and whether it was wrong or not God will be the judge of that someday but how I respond is what I will be judged on. Someday I will be held accountable for my response. We are to show mercy, forgiveness and love, and be a reflection of God's grace to others.

Now am I saying that if someone continually offends you, you should put yourself continually around them, no. You should put people around you that push you towards your goals. My goal is heaven and being closer to God while here on earth. So I am choosing to surround myself with people who push me in my relationship with God, who encourage me in love, believe in me, and who I can be the same for.

In 2011, I am choosing my friends more wisely, choosing to walk in love and forgiveness, and choosing my response more carefully.

Food for thought

There is a book out that I really want to buy and read called MADE TO CRAVE. I have heard a little about the book and it has really been stirring something up in me and I haven't even seen a word in it.

The book is about our God given desire to crave. Some people crave food, alcohol, drugs, love, etc. This book, I believe, mainly focuses on the food aspect but I have been thinking a lot about the other aspects in life.

During the time of my dad's failing health and since his passing, I at times have found myself "craving" certain comfort foods. Comfort foods for me are chips and rotel, fried foods, burgers and fries, and the ever popular chocolate or just sugar in general. There is something in your mind that is triggered by your emotions to crave certain comforts during times of stress. It's actually something that God put in us but when used incorrectly we turn to the foods, alcohol, drugs, love, etc. The reason God put this desire in us to crave is because He wanted us to turn to him during times of stress and crave Him. In doing so, he could fill us with what we are lacking. So many times we start to feel the stress of life, emotions we don't want to face, faults we see in ourselves, problems with family members, work, etc. and we immediately turn to something to help us "relax", "de-stress", "enjoy ourselves." We often justify it by saying I am going through a lot right now or I deserve this when all along God is calling us to him and we are rejecting him.

Some people may look at this and say I am not overweight, getting drunk, sleeping with people, etc. but what they are doing is turning to the wrong things for stress relief. If you are "cooking up some rotel", having a glass of wine to "relax", or dating someone new take a look at "why" you are really doing it. Do not justify your actions but instead figure out where that craving is coming from. Discover the person who put that desire for peace in you. Next time I feel stressed and I start to reach for that chocolate bar, I may just reach for my Bible instead.

Food for thought :)