Things I miss

When I would hear people say, "her mom has cancer" I used to say, " oh that is so sad" and never give it another thought. Now this has so much more meaning to me. Cancer is not just something you get, go through some treatments, and it goes away or the person doesn't make it. Yes those are the outcomes but it is the process that no one ever talks about in detail or discusses. Cancer is so hard. It strips a person of everything they are. It's so hard seeing the person you love suffer, loose weight, hear them moan in pain, loose their strength and balance, and then loose their voice. To not know or be able to hear what they want or need. To not be able to hear them say I love you again. To see them struggle to stand and fall back down at their own, now much lighter, body weight. To see them try and get up because they hear their grandson in the distance say, "push me higher in the swing" To hear them ask why they are in a hospital or not remember who you are. These are the things no one ever tells you. Although your loved one is still living, they are not able to be themselves anymore. Day by dad they decline and loose a little piece of themselves. Along with that you loose a little piece of them as well.

Today, I miss my dad.

I miss hearing his ringer on my phone from one of his many phone calls a day just to check on me and the kids.

I miss him showing up at my house after work with Sheridans for Elam and I.

I miss hearing him laugh and seeing him play with his babies.

I miss his hugs and his words of wisdom. I know if he saw me right now he would say, "Baby, don't worry about anything. God is in control and his timing is perfect."

I miss hearing his voice and him saying, "i love you baby. You are the best daughter in the whole world". I miss seeing his smile.

I miss going to breakfast with him.

I miss his stories.

Never imagined this but I am so thankful that I have a daddy so amazing that I have so many things to miss. I love you daddy so much and miss you more than I could have ever imagined. You are so strong and such a fighter and I know if you could talk right now you would probably miss these things too.