What's in a year?

Lately I have been thinking about the new year in a different way. People identify with years according to big things that happened that year. For example, you may hear someone say, "That was the year I got married, had a kid, bought a house, etc." That was one day out of the year but it was one day that affected the rest of their lives.

This year I had one of those days and one of those years. On September 26, 2010 my dad lost his battle with cancer. 2010 will now, for the rest of my life, be referred to as the year my dad passed away. This has been single handedly the hardest years of my life. As happy as I am that this year is over and tonight begins a new year, I am having some mixed emotions about it.

2011 will be the first year that my dad has not lived on this earth. I have to face this year without my counselor, dad, hero, friend, support, and all the love and encouragement he brought. This year I will be turning 30. I never ever imagined celebrating my birthday without my dad there. Elam will be 5 this year and start kindergarten. I never imagined dad not seeing his first school picture or Eden getting to go to Sheridan's with her Poppy. Although I am thankful my dad is no longer suffering and this year is over. I am anxious about living without him. I feel like I am leaving him behind in a sense.

I know this is all part of the grieving process but lets be honest, it sucks. There is nothing that can bring him back and nothing that could ever replace him. I miss him terribly every day. I have cried every day since August when we found out his condition was terminal. The holidays were especially difficult and for some reason New Years was just as difficult as Christmas for me. I am thankful I had such an amazing dad that I have reasons to miss him so much.

So 2010, you were hard but I survived. 2011, You WILL be better and I will be victorious. Dad, I love you forever, I love you always, as long as I am living my daddy you will be!