If you change the rules in the middle of the game, there can't be a winner

Another thing I learned in 2011 has to do with board games. Keep reading, it will change your life :)

The discover as you go: Have you ever opened a new board game and you tell someone to read the rules and they read some and then say okay well let's just play and we will learn as we go? As you go along and start to get ahead, it always seems like they then "discover" a rule and somehow you have a set back. By the end of the game and all of the "discoveries" someone wins but someone else may feel slighted and like really they should have won. They may something like, "well that was fun" all the while knowing they probably will never play again and if they do they will make sure and know the rules the first time so it will be fair and fun for everyone.

House Rules: Have you ever played a game that maybe you have played with your family but now you are playing at a friends house and they have their own rules they follow that you have never heard of before. It can be very confusing and not seem right at times because you grew up playing this game a certain way, the same way, every time?

Playing with a 4 year old: Have you ever played a game that you know how to play, have played before, and has standard rules? A game like monopoly or sorry but someone changes the rules mid way through to benefit themselves? Maybe I am just competitive but when that happens, I really just don't want to play anymore. They get upset because they are losing so they change the rules to benefit themselves. What is the point, if they just want to win then let them win and go home. I can do that with my 4 year old. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe their parents always let them win as kids when playing games.

(Side Note: This may sound cruel or harsh but when I play board games with Elam, I do not let him win. If I win or his dad wins, we have taught him that he is to be excited for us, shake our hands or high five and tell us congratulations. If he wins, we do the same. I explain to him before we begin the game that he will not always win and that is okay but we should be excited for the winner anyway.)

Okay so back to my point.....If you have ever had any of the top three things happen to you while playing a game with someone, you will understand the lesson I learned. All of this relates to relationships, whether it is your marriage, friendships, relationships with siblings, children, or parents.

There has to be some sort of "rules" set up from the beginning to be a success or there will never be a winner. When I say rules, I mean a level of respect for one another. Maybe your friend doesn't like being late to things and you are always late. Make it a priority to be on time when you meet them somewhere instead of saying, "well they know how I am and if they are really my friend they will understand" Go the extra mile yourself.

Just like playing a new game you have to learn the rules, take time to learn about your friends, their likes and dislikes, etc. and make efforts to be a better friend to them. Don't make up rules mid way through and come out of left field with something.

Let's go back to each scenario and I will try and explain it a little better:

The discover as you go: Sometimes in relationships (especially marriage) you get into them not knowing the person completely. You have to learn as you go on somethings just like you may read some of the rules and learn as you go. As you start to "discover" new things (rules) about this person you have to adjust your relationship (game) and their has to be a compromise on the new discovery. Otherwise the discovery of the new rule will only benefit one side. This will lead to resentment, anger, a feeling of not wanting to play the game anymore. You will end up with a closed off partner because they will be afraid of what other new rules you may discover. Compromise and communication is key.

House Rules: Everyone knows about house rules in board games but what about in relationships. When you get married you are bringing two households together. It is not just a marriage between two people but two families. Have you ever heard people say things like "well that's not how I was raised," or "when I was growing up..." We have all been raised differently and now must find a way to mesh these things together to make our relationship a success. Maybe you grew up in a "old fashioned" house where the wife took care of the cooking, cleaning, kids, etc and the husband did all of the yard work, working outside the home, etc. Maybe your spouse grew up in a house where his mom took care of the yard work. These seem like unimportant details but I guarantee you there have been arguments over this very thing in a relationship somewhere. Maybe its not something physical or tangible, maybe its a habit or trait you have picked up from your father/mother that doesn't sit well with your spouse. Maybe you find yourself using the excuse, "I don't know how else to handle it. This is all I have ever seen." While this is true, you now have your own house and can make your own house rules. This is the only opportunity you have to change the rules so take a look at your life and adjust your house rules to benefit your house no matter how you are "used to" playing.

Playing with a 4 year old: This is the type of person who always wants to win and come out on top. They are not really interested in the game but the feeling of the win. They probably are very confrontational, easily offended, and cause many offenses. They do not really care about the rules because rules don't really apply to them. They can change them at any time to better suit their needs and they have been taught that everyone else will change around them to help them succeed. Life is all wins and no losses. -----(record scratch) WRONG!!! Life is about winning and losing. Sometimes you lose but in those losses you are really the winner. You can not learn the things you need to learn by winning all the time. These people have no concept of reality and WILL NOT change through your assistance. They have to see the problem first and want to make a change on their own. There is nothing you can do for them but love them and keep your distance. Do not expect great acts of kindness or selflessness from these types of people. Remember you are playing with a 4 year old. Tell them congratulations and move on.

You are the company you keep.

In 2010 I learned many things so for the next few days I am going to share some of them with you. Hopefully they might help you to have a better 2011.

Here are the top things I learned this year. I will list them and then each time I blog over the next several days I will expand on one of them.

1. You are the company you keep.

2. If you change the rules in the middle of the game, there can't be a winner

3. Accountability for your response.

4. Walking out the 2 greatest commands

5. Serving and Loving one another unconditionally

So let's get started.

YOU ARE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP.

Here is what I mean. Have you ever worked with or been around someone who is extremely negative about everything? You could be the most positive person in the world but if you are around them, eventually you will start becoming more negative. It won't happen all at once. First, you will try and be positive around them hoping that they will start to be positive. (It might work but chances are these type of people are either surrounding themselves with negative people or they have always been this way and don't see the problem). Next, when your efforts do not work, you will become angry and irritated at this person and every negative comment that flows from their mouths will start to work your nerves. Finally, their negativity will so annoy you that you will begin to complain about them and become negative towards them or having to be around them. The more time you spend with these types of people the more negative you will start to become and the more people you will start to annoy :)

That is just one example. Here are a few that I am choosing to distance myself from in 2011. Selfishness, Complainers, Negative Nancy, and the one uppers. Instead I will choose to hang out with people who inspire me with their selflessness and acts of kindness towards others, people who encourage me towards the things of God, people who see the cup half full and see the possibility of it overflowing, and people who are excited for the good and blessings that come to me and lift me up during the hard times.

Selfishness is such an ugly thing. It says 'I am most important here, my feelings, and my life. I am looking out for me first and then if I have anything left I will give it to you on my terms." The problem with selfishness is that most selfish people don't even see their selfishness, so for them to ever want to change is almost impossible because they don't recognize the problem. Selfishness hurts others and can cause other people to become selfish.

I have a friend named Lisa who consistently inspires me to be more selfless. When my dad became terminally ill, Lisa took it upon herself to contact other moms to prepare meals to bring to us so we had one less thing to worry about. We had meals everyday for weeks. I have seen her take jewelry that she is wearing and give it away, collect baby items to give to pregnant teen moms, and the list goes on and on. She is constantly doing something for someone else and inspiring those around her. If I hang out with more people like that, I am going to want to give more, inspire more, love more.

If you want to become more successful at a certain trade then hang out with people who are in that trade and are successful. If you want to become more financially stable then surround yourself with those type of people. If you want to become a better mom/parent then hang out with someone who you think is doing a great job.

It's like in kindergarten when the teacher asks you "what do you want to be when you grow up?". Figure out what you want to be. It doesn't have to be an occupation ie. doctor or lawyer but a more creative fun loving mom, more compassionate, selfless, more encouraging, spend more time in prayer, physically fit, etc. Find those people and surround yourself with them.

Now am I saying don't hang out with people who are not where you want to be, no absolutely not. That would not be walking in love either. All I am saying is the selfish, complaining, negative type of people should only be around in spurts. You can only pull someone up so much. It's a law of gravity. Eventually those people will pull you down. You are the company you keep. This year keep good company.

What's in a year?

Lately I have been thinking about the new year in a different way. People identify with years according to big things that happened that year. For example, you may hear someone say, "That was the year I got married, had a kid, bought a house, etc." That was one day out of the year but it was one day that affected the rest of their lives.

This year I had one of those days and one of those years. On September 26, 2010 my dad lost his battle with cancer. 2010 will now, for the rest of my life, be referred to as the year my dad passed away. This has been single handedly the hardest years of my life. As happy as I am that this year is over and tonight begins a new year, I am having some mixed emotions about it.

2011 will be the first year that my dad has not lived on this earth. I have to face this year without my counselor, dad, hero, friend, support, and all the love and encouragement he brought. This year I will be turning 30. I never ever imagined celebrating my birthday without my dad there. Elam will be 5 this year and start kindergarten. I never imagined dad not seeing his first school picture or Eden getting to go to Sheridan's with her Poppy. Although I am thankful my dad is no longer suffering and this year is over. I am anxious about living without him. I feel like I am leaving him behind in a sense.

I know this is all part of the grieving process but lets be honest, it sucks. There is nothing that can bring him back and nothing that could ever replace him. I miss him terribly every day. I have cried every day since August when we found out his condition was terminal. The holidays were especially difficult and for some reason New Years was just as difficult as Christmas for me. I am thankful I had such an amazing dad that I have reasons to miss him so much.

So 2010, you were hard but I survived. 2011, You WILL be better and I will be victorious. Dad, I love you forever, I love you always, as long as I am living my daddy you will be!

More than a word

As I was reading my bible this morning, I came across James 2:5.

James 2:5 (MSG) says: Listen, dear friends, isn't it clear by now that God operates quite differently? He chose the world's down and out as the kingdom's first citizens, with full rights and privileges. This kingdom is promised to anyone who loves God.

What really hit me about this verse was the last part, which says "This kingdom is promised to anyone who loves God."

Now that sounds so simple. You love God and you receive His kingdom. Then I started thinking: Okay so what does the God say love is?

In 1 Corinthians 13 (also called the love chapter) It says LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND, IT DOES NOT ENVY, IT DOES NOT BOAST, IT IS NOT PROUD, IT DOES NOT DISHONOR OTHERS, IT IS NOT SELF-SEEKING, IT IS NOT EASILY ANGERED, IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS, IT DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL BUT REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH. IT ALWAYS PROTECTS, ALWAYS TRUSTS, ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES.

So here it is. The ultimate definition of LOVE. Let's go back and look at the verse in James again. "This kingdom is promised to anyone who LOVES God."

I started replacing the word Love here with what 1 Corinthians says Love is and it really challenges me to take a closer look at my life. Here are a few examples:

This kingdom is promised to anyone who is patient with God. - Am I patient with God's timing, even when it isn't mine or what I would like?

This kingdom is promised to anyone who is kind with God - Am I kind to others the way God would be? Am I kind to God in how I choose to live my life and represent him?

This kingdom is promised to anyone who does not dishonor others. - Do I do my best to honor other's wishes and honor God's wishes? Do I live my life to honor His word? To exemplify who He is so that others see Him and not me? Do I honor my husband by listening to him and working on the things he has asked of me, not because he is asking and I HAVE TO submit to him, but because I love him and want only the best for him? Some people do things because the feel they HAVE TO submit to their husbands because the Bible says and it is done out of guilt and obligation rather than love and respect. Sometimes they treat God the same way. They do things or don't do things out of guilt and obligation towards God instead of out of freedom, love, and respect for Him.

This kingdom is promised to anyone who is not self seeking. - It happens all the time in the corporate world. People are so self seeking they will stab each other in the back if it means climbing up the ladder faster. What you don't realize is, this isn't just a corporate situation. It happens in the church world, mom world, political world, etc. It happens everywhere because we are all human and some of us are self seeking. The Bible says in Matthew 20: 28 "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" We are to serve others and in turn serve God. Serving others is about 3 things. 1. When something is asked of you, put your desires aside. 2. Simply doing what is asked of you as long as it's in line with God's word of course. 3. The attitude that you have while doing what was asked of you. The Bible says we should serve one another with joy and out of love as if we were serving God himself. Why does this say this? Because in essence, by serving others and representing God's love, we are serving God.

This kingdom is promised to anyone who ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. - Am I protecting the things of God? Am I trusting in His ways even when I don't understand the why? Am I putting my hope in Him? Am I persevering when life throws something at me? Then we could look at this for our marriage or with our children. Am I protecting my husband/wife/children? Do I trust them and put hope in them? Do we persevere when times are tough and work together? This verse does say ALWAYS ,which in pre-marital counseling, you are told never to use words like that in an argument, so why is this? Well the reason is that we should strive for this with everything in us but we will fail at times because we are human and that is where Grace and forgiveness comes in. However, the Bible says that God is Love, Love never fails, and love ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, and ALWAYS perseveres.

So here it is, today take time to really focus on what Love is. Love isn't just a word we say because we are related to someone, in a relationship, or have children. It is much more than that. When we say I love you to God or to someone, I am saying. I want to show you patience, kindness, selflessness, protect you, trust you, hope in/with you, persevere in/with you. Then, after saying it, follow through with your actions. As DC talk says: love is a verb.

Things I miss

When I would hear people say, "her mom has cancer" I used to say, " oh that is so sad" and never give it another thought. Now this has so much more meaning to me. Cancer is not just something you get, go through some treatments, and it goes away or the person doesn't make it. Yes those are the outcomes but it is the process that no one ever talks about in detail or discusses. Cancer is so hard. It strips a person of everything they are. It's so hard seeing the person you love suffer, loose weight, hear them moan in pain, loose their strength and balance, and then loose their voice. To not know or be able to hear what they want or need. To not be able to hear them say I love you again. To see them struggle to stand and fall back down at their own, now much lighter, body weight. To see them try and get up because they hear their grandson in the distance say, "push me higher in the swing" To hear them ask why they are in a hospital or not remember who you are. These are the things no one ever tells you. Although your loved one is still living, they are not able to be themselves anymore. Day by dad they decline and loose a little piece of themselves. Along with that you loose a little piece of them as well.

Today, I miss my dad.

I miss hearing his ringer on my phone from one of his many phone calls a day just to check on me and the kids.

I miss him showing up at my house after work with Sheridans for Elam and I.

I miss hearing him laugh and seeing him play with his babies.

I miss his hugs and his words of wisdom. I know if he saw me right now he would say, "Baby, don't worry about anything. God is in control and his timing is perfect."

I miss hearing his voice and him saying, "i love you baby. You are the best daughter in the whole world". I miss seeing his smile.

I miss going to breakfast with him.

I miss his stories.

Never imagined this but I am so thankful that I have a daddy so amazing that I have so many things to miss. I love you daddy so much and miss you more than I could have ever imagined. You are so strong and such a fighter and I know if you could talk right now you would probably miss these things too.

Conflicted

So lately I feel like my mind is constantly racing and at war. I am so conflicted and exhausted at the same time. I have really had to pray through a lot of things lately but the hard part is I feel like God has been teaching me so much and just when I think I get it, I am put in a new predicament and tested in what I just learned.

For example, I have been really challenged lately by the fact that we as people so often pass judgement so quickly on others instead of offering encouragement. I feel like among women it is even worse at times. God created women to be talkers and communicators but sometimes the very thing he put in us, can create problems if used in the wrong way. I, know I have probably failed at this a time or two or three (lol), but how many opportunities does he give us in a day that we do not take advantage of.

We, especially as women and mothers, know how hard it can be and how alone you can feel when you are going through things and the only ones we have to talk to are pre-schoolers, who could care less about what you are going through because, Batman has just been taken over by Mr. Freeze.

There are times when you go through things in your family that do not need to be discussed but so often you forget that others may be going through similar situations. How many times have I seen someone and thought, "man they were really weird today. They are different and strange now." I pass judgement on them instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt and considering that maybe they are struggling with something that can not be discussed. Maybe this is the Holy Spirits way of telling us to pray for or encourage someone but we are so blinded by our own struggles that we fail to see the opportunity and instead cast judgement.

I pray that my eyes would be open for opportunities to encourage and pray for people I come in contact with. If I have passed judgement on any of you readers, I do apologize. I am not perfect and am learning along this journey. I pray that you would not cast judgement on me and find forgiveness for me if I have hurt you.

Good and you?

Okay so we've all done it when you see a someone you haven't seen in a while, a friend, or a family member. We have all had "that" conversation and I am guilty of it myself. It goes a little something like this.

"Hey! How are you doing?"

"Good and you?"

"Doing good. Just keeping busy."

"Oh that's good"

Really........ Are we always doing good? Why are we in such a hurry these days that we don't even have a connection to people to stop and give them two minutes of our lives. Maybe, you aren't having a good day or maybe they are not. Maybe God brought them along in your path to have them pray for you or teach you something. Now being a mom of two young children, I do understand that at times your children will not allow you to have a longer conversation then the one above but what about when people text you, email or send you a message on facebook. So today I am going to be honest with myself and anyone who is reading this. If you really want to know how I am doing....here it is......

For those of you who don't know, my dad has cancer and is now considered "terminally ill". The doctors have said there is nothing more they can do for him and to enjoy our time together. This information in itself is hard to swallow. My mind can not wrap around the thought of my dad no longer being here.

For those of you who don't know my dad, let me give you a little glimpse at his faith. If you ask my dad how he is feeling. He says, "I am feeling fine. I am just tired." He is still working sometimes up to 60 hours a week. He has told us "there are facts and there is the truth. The facts cannot change the truth but the truth can change the facts. The facts are that he has cancer and the chemo didn't work. The truth is he never put his trust in the chemo to begin with and the truth is that Jesus shed his blood for his healing."

Here is another thing that I know. The Bible says we walk by faith and not by sight. What I am seeing is his symptoms such as how he walks, how his voice sounds, his weight loss, his exhaustion, etc. It is so hard to hold on to faith when I am seeing all of this. I know in my heart God is very capable of healing him and I know he will. Whether my dad is healed here on earth or the moment he leaves and meets his savior, He WILL be healed. Selfishly I would like him to be healed here so that I could enjoy more time with him and he can see his grandbabies grow up.

I regret taking time with him for granted. This has caused me to look at life in a totally different light. Our time on earth is so short compared to the eternity we will face after. We are not guaranteed a set amount of time here on earth and every day could be our last. We need to #1 decide who we will serve because there are only two options and you will spend eternity with that decision. #2 do not take anyone or anything for granted. you are not promised tomorrow and neither are they #3 life is too short to allow strife to invade your peace. If your focus is on Jesus and truly on him, then all else will fall away. #4 Carrying around offenses is no way to live your life. Give them to Jesus and allow Him to set you free otherwise they will hold you captive from Him. #5 Make every moment count and make good, lasting memories.

Watching him in pain and fighting through this is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do. He is my Hero. He is so strong and such a fighter. He taught me what a man, a father, and a husband should be. He is an amazing man of wisdom, a provider, a man of faith, integrity, love. He is a protector. I remember every night when I was little my dad would always check all the doors in the house to make sure they were locked before we went to bed. Something so simple but made such a huge impact on me. It showed me at an early age that he was protecting me and loved me. He always and still does take my moms car to get the oil changed, check the tires, put gas in it, and wash it. He loved her and didn't want her to have to worry about it and he wanted to know that we were always safe when traveling so he didn't have to worry about us. My dad taught me at a young age that it is better to get your chores, schoolwork, etc. done first so you can relax and enjoy the rest of the day with no worries. That is something I am still a little OCD about and will pass on to my children. Most importantly he taught me about the love of Jesus and that I have a heavenly father who loves me more than he ever could even if I can not possibly fathom that.

My dad will be 51 in a couple of weeks and I am so looking forward to celebrating with him. I am looking forward to many more years with him if I am so blessed. I love him so much and today, HONESTLY, has been really difficult. Some days I have good days were my faith is very strong and others not so good. Today is one of those days. I love him so much and just do not want him to suffer in any way. I am trying to remain focused on Jesus and not allow my focus to be swayed. I know I do not understand why this is happening but I do know that God did not ask me to understand, he asked me to trust. (Proverbs 3:5) "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on YOUR OWN understanding." When I was very little God showed me this verse and it has always been my favorite. Probably because I have a hard time trusting people, and now again I am faced with the reality of this verse. It is not for us to understand the why all the time.

I know this season, I have and will learn a lot of hard lessons. I know that James says to "Consider it PURE JOY when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." As hard as it is I HAVE to count it joy (fair or not) but as a human I am not perfect and my heart is saddened. I can not be angry with God because he is not the cause of this attack. Instead I trust Him and hold on to Him for He will be my comforter, bring me peace, wisdom, understanding, and fortress. He will be my protector and provider.

So if you asked me today how I was doing. I would probably answer, "not very good. Today is a rough day and for a full explanation see my blog. " :)