Conflicted

So lately I feel like my mind is constantly racing and at war. I am so conflicted and exhausted at the same time. I have really had to pray through a lot of things lately but the hard part is I feel like God has been teaching me so much and just when I think I get it, I am put in a new predicament and tested in what I just learned.

For example, I have been really challenged lately by the fact that we as people so often pass judgement so quickly on others instead of offering encouragement. I feel like among women it is even worse at times. God created women to be talkers and communicators but sometimes the very thing he put in us, can create problems if used in the wrong way. I, know I have probably failed at this a time or two or three (lol), but how many opportunities does he give us in a day that we do not take advantage of.

We, especially as women and mothers, know how hard it can be and how alone you can feel when you are going through things and the only ones we have to talk to are pre-schoolers, who could care less about what you are going through because, Batman has just been taken over by Mr. Freeze.

There are times when you go through things in your family that do not need to be discussed but so often you forget that others may be going through similar situations. How many times have I seen someone and thought, "man they were really weird today. They are different and strange now." I pass judgement on them instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt and considering that maybe they are struggling with something that can not be discussed. Maybe this is the Holy Spirits way of telling us to pray for or encourage someone but we are so blinded by our own struggles that we fail to see the opportunity and instead cast judgement.

I pray that my eyes would be open for opportunities to encourage and pray for people I come in contact with. If I have passed judgement on any of you readers, I do apologize. I am not perfect and am learning along this journey. I pray that you would not cast judgement on me and find forgiveness for me if I have hurt you.

Good and you?

Okay so we've all done it when you see a someone you haven't seen in a while, a friend, or a family member. We have all had "that" conversation and I am guilty of it myself. It goes a little something like this.

"Hey! How are you doing?"

"Good and you?"

"Doing good. Just keeping busy."

"Oh that's good"

Really........ Are we always doing good? Why are we in such a hurry these days that we don't even have a connection to people to stop and give them two minutes of our lives. Maybe, you aren't having a good day or maybe they are not. Maybe God brought them along in your path to have them pray for you or teach you something. Now being a mom of two young children, I do understand that at times your children will not allow you to have a longer conversation then the one above but what about when people text you, email or send you a message on facebook. So today I am going to be honest with myself and anyone who is reading this. If you really want to know how I am doing....here it is......

For those of you who don't know, my dad has cancer and is now considered "terminally ill". The doctors have said there is nothing more they can do for him and to enjoy our time together. This information in itself is hard to swallow. My mind can not wrap around the thought of my dad no longer being here.

For those of you who don't know my dad, let me give you a little glimpse at his faith. If you ask my dad how he is feeling. He says, "I am feeling fine. I am just tired." He is still working sometimes up to 60 hours a week. He has told us "there are facts and there is the truth. The facts cannot change the truth but the truth can change the facts. The facts are that he has cancer and the chemo didn't work. The truth is he never put his trust in the chemo to begin with and the truth is that Jesus shed his blood for his healing."

Here is another thing that I know. The Bible says we walk by faith and not by sight. What I am seeing is his symptoms such as how he walks, how his voice sounds, his weight loss, his exhaustion, etc. It is so hard to hold on to faith when I am seeing all of this. I know in my heart God is very capable of healing him and I know he will. Whether my dad is healed here on earth or the moment he leaves and meets his savior, He WILL be healed. Selfishly I would like him to be healed here so that I could enjoy more time with him and he can see his grandbabies grow up.

I regret taking time with him for granted. This has caused me to look at life in a totally different light. Our time on earth is so short compared to the eternity we will face after. We are not guaranteed a set amount of time here on earth and every day could be our last. We need to #1 decide who we will serve because there are only two options and you will spend eternity with that decision. #2 do not take anyone or anything for granted. you are not promised tomorrow and neither are they #3 life is too short to allow strife to invade your peace. If your focus is on Jesus and truly on him, then all else will fall away. #4 Carrying around offenses is no way to live your life. Give them to Jesus and allow Him to set you free otherwise they will hold you captive from Him. #5 Make every moment count and make good, lasting memories.

Watching him in pain and fighting through this is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do. He is my Hero. He is so strong and such a fighter. He taught me what a man, a father, and a husband should be. He is an amazing man of wisdom, a provider, a man of faith, integrity, love. He is a protector. I remember every night when I was little my dad would always check all the doors in the house to make sure they were locked before we went to bed. Something so simple but made such a huge impact on me. It showed me at an early age that he was protecting me and loved me. He always and still does take my moms car to get the oil changed, check the tires, put gas in it, and wash it. He loved her and didn't want her to have to worry about it and he wanted to know that we were always safe when traveling so he didn't have to worry about us. My dad taught me at a young age that it is better to get your chores, schoolwork, etc. done first so you can relax and enjoy the rest of the day with no worries. That is something I am still a little OCD about and will pass on to my children. Most importantly he taught me about the love of Jesus and that I have a heavenly father who loves me more than he ever could even if I can not possibly fathom that.

My dad will be 51 in a couple of weeks and I am so looking forward to celebrating with him. I am looking forward to many more years with him if I am so blessed. I love him so much and today, HONESTLY, has been really difficult. Some days I have good days were my faith is very strong and others not so good. Today is one of those days. I love him so much and just do not want him to suffer in any way. I am trying to remain focused on Jesus and not allow my focus to be swayed. I know I do not understand why this is happening but I do know that God did not ask me to understand, he asked me to trust. (Proverbs 3:5) "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on YOUR OWN understanding." When I was very little God showed me this verse and it has always been my favorite. Probably because I have a hard time trusting people, and now again I am faced with the reality of this verse. It is not for us to understand the why all the time.

I know this season, I have and will learn a lot of hard lessons. I know that James says to "Consider it PURE JOY when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." As hard as it is I HAVE to count it joy (fair or not) but as a human I am not perfect and my heart is saddened. I can not be angry with God because he is not the cause of this attack. Instead I trust Him and hold on to Him for He will be my comforter, bring me peace, wisdom, understanding, and fortress. He will be my protector and provider.

So if you asked me today how I was doing. I would probably answer, "not very good. Today is a rough day and for a full explanation see my blog. " :)

THE CART!!!

Okay so this is totally random but I need to vent. I went to Wal-Mart today to pick up a few things and I got "THE" CART.

You know the one. The one that squeaks with every turn of its wheels. The one that not only squeals but if there were a cart squealing contest I would have won. That cart!!!!

I was so embarrassed and to top it off it wasn't like all of the items I needed were together. They were spread all over the store. So, here I go from one end of the store to another and everyone has to stop and turn around and look at me like I am doing it on purpose. I should have stopped and pointed at someone else like, "can you believe this guy"

I tried everything to get it to stop too. I would push down on the right side with my arm thinking that more weight on that side would help it, didn't work. Then I tried lifting that side a little while I pushed it, while trying to act like I am not embarrassed by this cart at all. I am proud of this cart people and in fact I test drove a few until I found this one. that obviously didn't work either. So then I just pushed it really fast and it was really loud but the faster I pushed it the faster i was through with the embarrassment.

My question is when do they retire carts bc this cart has seen it's prime and passed it. It has done it's job and needs to move on to become a few 24 packs of coke or something. I tried to save other people the embarrassment too but you know at some point someone else had to experience the same humiliation I did. I hope it developed their character. Hey maybe that is it's purpose. It's not just to hold your items but it also develops your character. Maybe I need to be thankful that I no longer have any pride.

Wal-Mart thank you for stripping me of my pride and giving me a reality check through such a simple item as your junky cart :)

Round 3

This blog is going to be a letter to my dad but feel free to read it :)

Dad,

This last year and a half has been one of the hardest times in our lives.

The only thing I have to compare it to really is a UFC match. I know, it sounds funny but take a walk with me for a minute and you will see what I mean.

......................................................................................................................................................................

Welcome to the main event. This will be 3 rounds of intense UFC fighting action.

In this corner, we have CANCER. Cancer has been training in stand up, ground and pound, and wrestling. He is strong and scary looking. He has defeated many opponents by way of knock out and submissions. He has the title for most money made and loves to intimidate his opponent. In his corner he has his coach pain, his trainer the thief, and his buddy fear.

And in this corner, we have his opponent Roy Hinckley. Roy has been trained in the art of war. He is mentally and physically strong. He is a hard worker, a strong fighter, positive thinker, and is UNDEFEATED. He is healthy and has trained his whole life for this fight. In his corner, he has his family, his friends, and his Coach (God). Also joining him today is his doctor (Jesus).

Round 1::::: Bell rings:::::::

And this fight is underway. Cancer attacks with a blow right to Roy's colon but Roy counters cancer's attack. He is strong and not going to lay down and give up folks. Roy has taken Cancer and put a beating on it. His coach is yelling at him from the side lines. "You can do it Roy! I have made you for greater things! You have been promised the victory! It is yours!!"

Round 1 is over and it has gone to Roy!

Round 2:::::::Bell Rings:::::::::

Cancer is back out and he is strong. It looks like maybe he is a little winded but he is coming back and giving it his all. OH No!!! Roy takes a kick right to the liver and he is hurt. He is down and cancer is trying to submit him. Roy's Coach is very calm. He seems to be whispering, "Remember what I have taught you. You are more than a conqueror" Oh my gosh! I can't believe this, Roy has come out of the submission and is now back on top. ::::::::Bell::::::::

Round 2 goes to Roy!

Round 3::::::::Bell Rings::::::::::

Roy seems a little tired and winded after those last two rounds. They were very difficult rounds. Cancer is so experienced, maybe the most experienced we have ever seen. He is coming out of his corner full force. He is not playing around. He knows that he has to knock him out or he is losing this match! Some people might doubt Roy's ability but lets not forget that he is a very well rounded fighter. He has been through some really tough stuff already and fought back to win the first 2 rounds. He has been training very hard and is in a lot of pain but he will never give up. His corner is getting louder and louder and his fans are cheering him on. This man is unbelievable!!! His sheer will, determination, and warrior attitude are something to be admired folks. This is the fight of the century! The crowd is chanting........WARRIOR.....WARRIOR......WARRIOR!!! His family looks confidant and his coach looks so proud.

.....................................................................................................................................................................

Okay so I know this is not a normal letter but here are the facts. You are on your third round (diagnoses) of cancer in a year. You have fought every step of the way with every ounce of everything in your being. You have trained for this moment you whole life. God knew you would be at this place at this time and has given you all the tools to fight through. You are a studier and have studied your opponent. You know his moves. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy but God has come to give you life and give you life more abundantly. You know how to counteract his moves. We are here with you! We are in your corner but we can not fight for you. I wish so badly this was a wrestling match and we could tag team but they are fake and sissies.

We are cheering you on, praying for you, and serving you during this time. Your coach is calmly reminding you why you are here and what his next move is for you. Your doctor (Jesus) has already paid the price for you! It is done! It is finished! You are victorious! You are the conqueror! You are still UNDEFEATED!!!!!!

I love you with all my heart! You will always be my hero no matter what and I am so blessed that God chose me to be in your corner!

Love,

Amanda

In honor of lent:

Tonight Elam was complaining that his stomach hurt and since we went bowling today I thought well maybe he is sore from carrying a heavy bowling ball or pulled a muscle or something. Then right at bedtime he starts crying and saying mom I need a bucket because I am going to throw up.

Before we get into that (and I won't be graphic, don't worry) let me back up and give you a background story..... Elam since he was little has had this obsession with eating fuzz. It didn't matter where it was from. He would take a bite out of his blankets, stuffed animals, he would even pull fuzz off my socks and eat it. It grosses me out and I wonder if sometimes he does it just for that reason. Some people bite their nails, he eats fuzz. It really freaks me out though because I have seen those specials on Discovery Health where a kid eats their hair and doctors have to do surgery to remove a 3 pound hair ball or something. I could just imagine having to take him in and the doctor and them pulling out a buzz lightyear blanket.

Another reason why I don't like it is because one time before he was potty trained (sorry this may be a little graphic) I was changing him and there was something hanging from his bottom. I had to pull it out and it looked like a worm. I called ask a nurse and they told me to put it in a water bottle with water and take it with me to the doctor. I took him to the doctor, paid a $30 copay for them to tell me it was just a thread. FUZZ EATER!!!!!!

Okay back to tonight. So Elam is throwing up when I notice there is orange fuzz from his orange blanket floating in the toilet. I thought finally he will get it and stop eating fuzz. Here is our conversation.

Me: Okay Elam do you see that. That is fuzz from your blanket.

Elam: Yeah mom.

Me: That is why we do not eat fuzz. It is making you throw up and your tummy hurt very bad. We are not going to eat fuzz anymore. Right?

Elam: And I won't eat my boogers either mom.

lol. Bonus!!!! Not only is he giving up on fuzz he is giving up on boogers too. lol.

In honor of lent, Elam is giving up two things this year. I could not be happier.

The words you say are powerful

Valentine's Day was an amazing day but there is one thing that will always stick out in my mind.

For Christmas, Uncle Nick and Aunt Meggi gave Elam and Eden a bible called the Jesus Storybook Bible. It is the coolest kids Bible I have ever read and Elam has several to choose from. I can not wait to read it to Eden when she gets older.

So every night a story or two from this Bible and the first story of course was how God created the heavens and the earth. Since we are having trouble lately with Elam talking ugly when he gets upset with someone I thought this is the perfect opportunity to explain how important our words are. So while reading the story, I stressed how God's words are so powerful he spoke the world into existence. He created the seas, animals, and everything we see by talking. So everyday when we go over our house rules I say we have to talk how? He says, "nice and use our manners because the words we say are powerful."

Last weekend, I knew he was finally starting to get it when one of the dogs started barking for no reason and Nathan turned to the dog and said, "shut up" Elam then said with astonishment, "Dad, the words you say are powerful and you shouldn't say that word." lol

Last week while reading our stories we came across the story of Jesus when he was with the fisherman and he calmed the seas. He listened but didn't really talk much that night and then on Valentine's Day it happened.......

We were driving over the Nathan's parents house and Elam said (out of no where), "Dad, do you remember the story of Jesus and the fisherman. They were on the waves and they were big and Jesus said Be calm waves and the waves got little because the words he said are very powerful."

YES!!!!! He is getting it! When he said that my heart was instant mush and I was so proud of my little Elam. So precious, so impressionable. Such a loving and caring child.

I know I talk about Elam's funny quotes all the time but for every funny quote there is a sweet heart melting one as well. He asks me at least 10 times a day if he can kiss me and hug me. He says things like "I love you sweetheart", "You are the best mommy in the whole world", "Mom, I love you to the moon and back and to mars and back." These are just a few. He is the most precious boy I could have ever imagined. Don't get me wrong he is all boy and he does and says some things I am not proud of but I am so blessed that God has allowed me to be his mommy and has trusted me to bring him up in the things of the Lord. Someday Elam will grow up, he will leave home, and he will have a life of his own but he will always be my little boy and it is my job to make sure that before he leaves I have given him every bit of knowledge and wisdom that I can about God and his never ending and never dying love for him. I am so glad that he is getting this lesson. The lesson of life and death being in your tongue.

Our words are very powerful and it is so important that we speak life everyday into ourselves and those around us. If we do not, who else will. Speak Life today and Remember:::: The words you say are very powerful!

My future as a junior high chaperone

This morning I took Elam and Eden to the Johnson County Museum. They have the kidscape exhibit going on which is several rooms, each with a theme full of dress up clothes and imaginative play equipment.

They also had a concert going on by a local mom and artist called Funky Mama. If you don't know who she is go to her website www.funkymamamusic.com So great.

Anyway. There was two showings 10 am and 11am. We got there 15 minutes early and it was sold out so with an hour to kill we walked through the museum and played with all of the equipment. At 11am we went into the room when all of a sudden I hear someone say, "Elam!"

Now Elam is a very unusual name so when I heard it I turned knowing they were talking about my Elam and across the room there was this beautiful little blonde girl calling out my sons name. It was Kieran. Kieran is sweet little girl from Elam's preschool class and since day 1 of school he has told me he likes her and wants to marry her. I must say he has great taste. lol

She asked her mom if she could sit with him so she came over to the corner where we were and they sat down together and started talking. Then it all began......

Funky Mama started singing and the kids stood up, they were dancing, shouting, smiling, and clapping and so excited to see each other. When they would get tired they would sit down and talk. So sweet. I was playing with Eden and she was really getting into Funky Mama. I looked down to check on the kids and see Elam and Kieran holding hands. Elam then kisses her on the hand. lol. A few minutes later I look down to see Elam with his arm around her and Kieran with her head resting on his shoulder. A few minutes later I look down and see Elams hand on Kierans leg.

Okay now as a mom here are my thoughts.

1. Where is he seeing this????!!!???

2. Oh my word! I hope her mom doesn't see my son getting fresh with her daughter and think I have taught him how to play the ladies.

3. Ok. maybe I am over reacting.

After having these thoughts and then deciding to let it go, they stand up to dance to a song and they give each other a hug. Then (I promise this is not an exaggeration), while hugging they start slow dancing. Her head was on his shoulder and they were slow dancing and Elam finished off their dance with a kiss on the cheek. In that moment, I felt like I was a chaperone at a junior high dance. At one point I had to tell Elam if they could not keep their hands to themselves I would have to separate them.

Here are my thoughts after that point:

1. They are 3!!!!!!!

2. I am going to my prayer closet when I get home and not coming out until he is married.

At the end of the concert, they both said good bye and hugged. Kieran's mom said are you guys going tomorrow. Then I remembered his school is going on a field trip tomorrow. I am sure I will have another story to share so stay tuned. lol. Who knew Funky Mama was so romantic.